3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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