I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
