I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
