he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
