Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
