life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
