i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
