Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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