1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need a beard to bite.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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