In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
