I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
