You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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