dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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