She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
