I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
