Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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