he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Farmville is her only friend.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
