I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
