I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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