My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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