great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
