Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
