note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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