I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
did i walk over a car last night?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
