Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
