my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
