: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
