Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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