question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
