i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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