I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
