I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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