Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
