I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
