You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
it's like iHOP with fire
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
