we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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