I think i peed on brittanys purse
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't deserve a penis
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
