I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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