I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
