good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
