I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
