According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I need a beard to bite.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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