Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
