new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
