Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
