stop calling my apartment porn island.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
