Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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