I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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