if i can run in heels then i can drive
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Panties = found
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