He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
