The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize