Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
