hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize