There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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