I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
