I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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