peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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