What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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