ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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